where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he wants to bone in the snuggie
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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