This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
