I am midnight drunk by noon
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
