I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
