accomplished twins. life is a go
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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