I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
