how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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