i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize