Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
God I need to hump something, right now.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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