How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
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