When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
