ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
