Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
