I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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