I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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