he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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