Soap is not a condiment
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Text me some of your sweat
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
