If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
