there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
