if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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