mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
