whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
