he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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