Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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