part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
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Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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