Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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