i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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