I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
