he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
