Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
