Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
