Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
