It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
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Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
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You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.