tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro