This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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