Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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