last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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