Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
