I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
