Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
