My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
