Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
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She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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