i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
