Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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