I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
