When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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