I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
