I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
