I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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