he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
