Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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