one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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