you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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