Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
