Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
