There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
