Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
