Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He passed out mid-signature
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
