I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
